Yes, there are more ;) Backing up is quite the job. Thanks for nothing ArteryPlanet!!!
Once Again
If fear is made tangible in its purest sense--
then trees must wail and shudder with
foreboding as their tender children fall.
More withered with each passing year--
made lifeless by directing all their strength
into faith that their precious buds will
once again sprout and spring forth life--
even Sarah and Abraham would be surprised
at life's bounty hidden in this barreness.
August 26, 2002
Perhaps
Perhaps if the snowstorm hadn’t fallen so
Painstakingly quietly last night.
Perhaps if I hadn’t watched you while you were
Painstakingly sleeping last night.
Then, perhaps this neverending lesson I've been
Painstakingly learning is true.
And, perhaps this tiny flower emerging has been
Painstakingly nurtured by you.
Perhaps if I hadn't found out the lies you had
Painstakingly hidden from me.
Perhaps if you hadn't fought all of my dreams
Painstakingly longing to be.
Then, perhaps the one ounce of love for you I was
Painstakingly saving would last.
And, perhaps I could fool myself into prolonging this
Painstakingly obvious last....
Perhaps
Pieces of Me
Churning, grinding, forcing
Through remnants,
Shreds of yesterday blistered by the sun.
Charring, melting, burning
Heart’s candle,
Both ends wickless and sealed by pain.
Choosing, barring, hiding
All pathways,
Leading nowhere but in twisted weaves.
Loving in tangent won’t get you anyone.
Walking in circles won’t get you anywhere.
Living in boxes won’t get you anything.
Pulse
It’s beating again,
or still
(does it really matter?)
but thankfully it is
warm and full
and very, very strong.
Though it’s pumping thru my veins
my own life–giving blood,
My heart and soul still contains
you in this mighty flood.
It’s raining again,
or still
(who am I to say?)
but regardless it is
wet and damp
and very, very warm.
Even while they mix with earth
to form the oozing mud,
These small drops will soon give birth
to the mightiest flood.
Puzzle
My puzzle box of words is blank
A 100,000 piece puzzle
With no finished picture as a guide.
It’s amazing anything gets written at all.
Lack of structure is not synonymous
With freedom. Lack of responsibility
Does not lead to imagination.
Today I struggle to find a corner piece.
Questioning
Minds grapple with unseen objects and events
questioning their plausibility or even
ability to exist.
Is that which we can not touch and hold in our hands
simply a figment of our overactive
imaginations?
Proof is rarely the way of the universe who shows
us the glimpses of truth it deems fit
For consumption.
“I’m not laughing at you” I reply. I grin at your audacity;
questioning my faith while the wind
tousles your hair.
Re
The idea of the sun god Re
making his trip across the sky
each day
due to a little push
from a scarab beetle
touches
and inspires far more respect
than earth-bound pyramids
ever could.
How much closer to truth
are we
when we can bow down and admit
the capricious faults and needs in
even the greatest creations?
Understanding is a cycle-
Comprehension a miracle.
Repel
Unheard
Rain taps against the window pane
Just as your words bounce against my shut heart
Windows
Are much easier to open than I
And besides, they don’t have feelings or needs.
Of course
I had almost forgotten I had them
And was content to remain sealed as molten glass
Tinted
But nonetheless translucent
To anyone brave enough to face my cold exterior.
Thank you
For making me feel so damn low
That I at least knew I could feel something again.
Prayers
Are often answered silently
But mine were answered with screams and insults.
Restraint
Restraint, the gravity of gravity, has achieved
Enslavement of a heart under an invisible yet obtrusive
Seige; has it tightly knotted and
Tethered,
Restricted physic-ally and men-tally, so
Arrest me but this current
Imprisionment by your ever-present
Non-intervention will never
Tie my heart to this earth.
Safe Sleep
If sleep's as close to heaven as it seems
Your arms are St. Peter guarding my dreams
For giving ones all is never enough
Until we have reached the ultimate trust.
Please take me with you, mind, body and soul
Guard my tender heart as nightmares unfold.
In return I'll show you all parts of me,
Both who I am and who I strive to be.
Forgetting the past and finding my light
Is my journey through the depths of the night.
I’ll let you come if it’s your hearts true desire
Just please don’t leave alone with this fire.
Engulfing and deep, pains' aim is true
Show me, don’t tell me, what I must do.
I’m engulfed by a void so cold and wide
Only shreds are left intact deep inside.
Safety Line
Hide away if you think it’ll save you
Seal your heart
And throw the empty bottle out to sea.
What’s to be lost when you have nothing?
Don’t complain to me when you’re drifting
Aimlessly
And making yourself sick with the wavering.
What’s to be found when you seek nothing?
It’s too easy to be thrown about and lie
Lifeless doll
In whatever set of arms you happen to fall in to.
What’s to be loved when you feel nothing?
Unwrap the cord you have tied around my heart
Safety line
Use it to find your way back to me someday.
Shadows
The sun overhead is angry
And forces me to find shadows
Where I can remain hidden
And cool deep inside.
But all I have left inside
Are caverns of rocks who are angry
Rocks which cast scary shadows
Upon the trails I keep hidden.
Knowing not what I keep hidden
Behind years of built-up angry
Words and actions and thoughts inside
All protected by the shadows.
Perhaps all I have left are shadows
Of nothing, hollow balls inside
With nothing left to keep hidden
And that’s why I’m so angry.
The dancing shadows look angry
Light stays hidden from the inside.
Shallow and Deep
Inside out all while it’s outside in
Finished before it’s begun to begin
Going so quickly that it’s at a stop
Look down below you and see through the top.
Turned downside up or is it upside down
Never was lost but it waits to be found,
Don’t leave it to chance but live and let be--
The intricate delicacies of me.
Shelter
She has
shelter but has no home,
love but has no desire,
comfort but has no care.
While he
listens but does not hear,
holds but does not embrace,
responds but does not reach.
The slow, agonizing faltering
nullifies the passionate unwinding
amongst the shiftless compressed nothingness.
Silver
Trinkets of all held dear
To the heart rest upon the wrist
Where they are easily cast away with a decisive shake
Like your head did when I kissed
Your lips earlier this year.
A tiny-winged butterfly
ready to take off and fly away
into a distant fairytale where prince charming waits
for fierce monsters and dragons to slay
and to your every wish comply.
An arrogant bass drum
Needs only a hammer to find the beat
Which screams with every thump of your faint pulse
Calling not for advance but for retreat
But only you know what from.
An unbreakable heart
Dangles gently by its silver thread
Reminding you not to let me close enough to see through
The act you show the world instead
So perfect at your part.
Pointed dancing shoes
Showing how beautifully far you’ve come
Since he scooped your beating heart out of your chest
Crushing all your hopes and then some
Extracting your dues.
A silver paintbrush
To make the final trinket: your own
By reducing your life into a solitary object or experience
As if all you are could be shown
By a single crush.
Sonnet 1: Heart Song
Becoming as dear to me as every breath
You should not be, and yet you are swiftly
Becoming as scarce to me as happiness
Which causes my heart to scream for you softly
And though you are far, I know you can hear
This silent longing which leaves my heart empty
And will continue to grow until you're near
Louder and stronger, and eventually
Cause us another dangerous chance to take
For to our own hearts alone we must be true
And find ourselves nestled alone by our lake
Brought together by bonds too strong to break though.
But this my heart screams: that our hearts are strong,
And together will sing a beautiful song.
Soul-Searching
I’ve searched for it my entire life. Looking here and there
With no map nor compass. Behind the trees the forest wide
So vast, should be easily reached, but truth hides somewhere
So guarded that one can reach it only from the inside.
Perhaps I’ll find you, and in you find me
Between Forever and Eternity.
So close and so far it seems. I know not where to begin
The purpose which is my life. Stumbling blindly in the night
Towards the emptiness. All I need is a partner and friend
To take my hand and walk with me towards the ultimate light.
Perhaps you’ll finally help complete me
Between Forever and Eternity.
I know not who you are nor where. I hope I’ll recognize
The answer given to me. Foolishly ignoring those
knocks upon my hearts’ door and disbelieving my own eyes
Has left me doubtful of my own ears, bereft of repose.
Some day I hope you will force me to see
Between Forever and Eternity.
My search has been fruitless. I’ve realized you will not be found
Until I come to know myself. That singular truth shakes
Me to my core, for I understand that those I surround
Myself with play parts in the play and there are no retakes.
Will you play lead and stand along with me
Between Forever and Eternity.
The answer will be found I know. Some painful decisions
Have thwarted my search. Long, empty nights have taken their toll
And cause me to reexamine life, for I envision
A cohesive union between my body, mind, and soul.
I will cherish this blessed unity
Between Forever and Eternity.
Space
Answers to unspoken questions
become the shadows of your dawn
as my suns' requisite deluge fills your sky.
Complacency is not the fruit of comfort
nor warmth that of heat.
Chaos is in perfect alignment
for this short, sweet moment.
Questions bereft of their answers
become the shadows of your dusk
as my planets lazily shift position in your sky.
Consistency is not synonymous with safety
nor distance with space.
Spring
Every fall we watch our own deaths,
Fearing not the winter, for the trees
During these cold months remember not
The leaves they’ve so recently shed.
Instead,
They wait, knowing spring will come.
We all sit, run and scream as our
Eyes and hearts look to the future,
Wondering what’s coming up to bloom.
Sublety
'Tween the branches, thru the leaves
around things better left unseen
lies the truth, and therein lies--
the truth obscured by alibis.
'Round the smooth rocks, churning down
floating gently to the ground
leaves the calm, and therein leaves--
the calm forgotten once it's seen.
The Drought
Lessons from a Picnic Table
Your kisses fall like rain drops
on the parched desert sand,
and the resulting
steam
reflects a need much deeper
than the cracks marring the
barren surface.
My senses, no longer
desperately conserving water
drawn from
a dry well are
flooded
by your ocean.
Drowning is a very
real
fear
and far more dangerous
than any drought.
The fight
Through the darkness, away from the light, nowhere to turn for I have no choice
Blindly crawling alone through my night, all I want to do is hear your voice.
Determined yet weak, forging my path, face to face with childhoods aftermath.
Battling myself, eternal fight, decisions are made without a choice.
Seeking control with all of my might, all I want to do is hear your voice.
Much better apart, wanting you near, distance better than living in fear.
The Inferno
Reflections of your warmth dance
across my skin, casting pale shadows
to illuminate your smile.
I watch while your aura burns, but have
realized too late that the flame
is never scorched by its' blistering heat.
Unlike suns which fuel themselves,
you're inhaling my soul as surely as
the fire consumes the log.
Aug. 2, 2002
The Lake
As eyelashes droop, heavier than the weight
upon my shoulders, forming stalactites,
silently preying to each other, I am
drawn into
desire
beckoning me to
fall into the placid lake
they’ve made fragrant with soothing
images and warm songs betrothed to light
just as you silently scream my name
with every caress and every
grin and faint whisper
of love.
May 22, 2002
Theoretical(l)
You know cringing never saved anyone--
nor did curling up into a tight ball
with chin on knees on elbows
but perhaps if you were to install
an electric barb-wire fence or hire
a mason to build a brick wall
you would finally be spared from
the crash. Unfortunately the fall
is mandatory, but the parachute,
per instructions, I'm sure you recall,
doubles as a blind-fold and it will
slow you down so that the small
pile of daily condescensions and
growing fear won't seem so tall
until you hit the ground, and pick up
your chin to see the point of it all.
The Path
An onslaught of individuals is becoming still.
One just slid down the window and came to rest on the sill.
Several are making their way into the neutral gutter,
surrendering quietly,
all while a few hopeless souls are bouncing off of the porch
railing
against gravity.
The Song
Hearts connected audibly
pulled together thru a song
passing thru a wall and door
as if you could do no wrong.
This private concert flutters,
beats upon a quiet heart
but as it slowly dwindles,
soul mates gently drift apart.
Thoughts
A blur they are
gone way too fast
to comprehend
make any sense
none of them do
make them I must
for only then
I realize
I'll understand
their true meanings
my true feelings
all scrambled up
they still remain
I'm still confused
I need them now
to unscramble
these tiny blurs
my unknown thoughts
they will remain
for their secrets
I do not know.
Thunder
After the
tumultuous
rainstorms,
the peace and
soft fulfillment
of the moist earth
sinking lusciously
between my toes
and the partial return
of my body
to the ground
hints at
the pure bliss
of silence
after the
thunderclap
of life.
Tomorrow
The world is stuffed full, clearly.
And what more could there be to need
anyway? It's all right here.
The world is shivering with me;
such a 'natural' reaction.
Anyway, it's damn cold out.
The world is hungry and thirsty.
Who emptied out her cabinets
anyway? They were full once.
The world has given up on me;
neither will meet our potential.
Anyway, I'm just human.
Torah Lesson
The rabbis wrote:
It is forbidden to
Touch a dying person.
But if the house
Catches fire
They must be removed
From the house.
What the fuck?
I say,
Then who can I touch
Aren’t we all
dying?
You smile
Your timeless smile
And ask:
But aren’t all our houses
Burning?
Under the Sheet
She Lies
Under the sheet, stiffly as
on an examining table.
She Tries
As patients will, to avoid
giving their grudging consent.
She Lies
Under oath, no one yet has
tried to hang her Cain and Abel.
She Tries
My patience, and even Freud
would be proud of his prize student.
Vegas
What an existence the Gods must have;
How painful the loss of mankind must be.
Or, perhaps, a long-awaited release.
Helpless to save a world so far gone
they rest, and watch, and laugh
and place bets, and make plans
and rules for their next game.
Shall they play roulette?
Shall they bet red?
Will they be happy
before we're all dead?
Villanelle
Welcome to my first villanelle. I plan on major revamping, but I do like the form... more to come
The world grows young while we procrastinate.
Mountains of stone are sinking to the blues,
although this feeling may not be innate.
For who of us is willing to berate
some one until they've nothing left to lose?
The world grows young while we procrastinate.
These statistics will never correlate.
Love can not be made out of ones and twos,
although this feeling may not be innate.
Our planet has too much upon her plate
and toiters about with a few loose screws.
The world grows young while we procrastinate.
The stars above us can still fascinate.
Within us terror-filled havoc ensues,
although this feeling may not be innate.
Impossibility may be our fate,
at least enough to confound and confuse.
The world grows young while we procrastinate,
although this feeling may not be innate.
Walls
Small boxes constrict so slowly,
yet firmly,
that we are oblivious
to their ever nearing walls until
trapped.
Windows disappear first,
then doors are lost effortlessly as the
spaces
they once created
are crushed by short-sightedness.
Our inability to cope increases as
proximity
lessens.
Crashing into glass
ceilings
just as flies into windows;
Watch them, buzzing endlessly,
uselessly
against obvious obstacles when they are so
close to the answers, so
close to freedom.
The problem is never so big as it seems;
all we need to learn is to step.
back.
Is this how God feels as she watches us
grapple
for the obvious?
Wandering
I see myself wandering
Too far from the shore
But can not, will not
Turn back yet; not before
I can see around and through
And peer into the core
Of what remains to be found
Behind that heavy wooden door
You’ve locked and chained to me
And the entire God-damned world.
I see myself wandering
Too far from the shore
And in your tears I’m swimming,
Through your barred windows
And over your walls I’m peeking
Into your cold, hardened heart
You don’t know exists I’m creeping
While in your gentle, iron arms
I’m Sleeping, dreaming, screaming, drowning,
Wandering too far from the shore.
Waste of Time
Reality has taken up residence
in my brains ez-chair.
Propped up its feet and grabbed the damn TV guide.
What’s on the TV today I ask myself?
CBS? Disney?
All that’s showing is the world getting older.
For all our aging what do we have to show
Absolutely nothing.
Power breeds arrogance which breeds destruction.
Age crawls effortlessly and treads quietly
Easy but not enough.
I want to become higher, deeper, truer.
Something to show for all these miles traveled
Isn’t too much to ask.
I paid my tolls now give me my damn ticket.
Water Works
Sipping from me
Like a fountain in a school hall
You cup your hands as I form a lake between your fingers.
I stream through
Forming a tiny oozing waterfall
As my refreshing pool quickly vanishes into thin air.
Your tongue tastes
The rain as it drip drops upon you
My river winds but never ends until it meets your ocean.
Days of summer
Reflect the storm my eyes once knew
Back when my body heat could keep at bay the bitter snow.
On a Whim
And now for something a bit more fun......
Flying’s always a much better view
Much more fun than just standing around
My two feet have never left the ground
Didn’t know they could till I met you.
“Look out before you leap” my friends quip
“Don’t fall in over your head and drown”
Of course I looked, I say with a frown
That’s how I knew that there was a cliff.
Willow
Grey clouds flood the lake blue sky
Rain drowns the grass while feeding trees
Leaves know to turn, birds cease to fly
Wind makes waves from a peaceful sea.
What a simple message to send:
All is broken which will not bend.
I force all thoughts of him aside
My screams heard not even by me
Thoughts and actions buried inside
Use my nightmares to become free.
Silence nor time will this pain mend:
All is broken which will not bend.
Yellow
The yellow light blinked --
who convinced you
one could think
he asked?
peering \=\ peer(ing)
that's what I thought
you would think.
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